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[27 Oct 2009|07:42pm] |
I havent felt this low since I was in high school. Its....BAD. Ive been feeling like shit for the past week or so - I cant afford a refill of my Effexor, so there's that, which Im sure is the reason. But man...last night I was trying to have fun with my friend Trevor at Bulls, and at the end of the night I somehow accidentally broke his necklace, making him mad. I felt really bad, and I just started to cry, and tried to walk home (I live like 2-3 miles from bulls, and it was like 2am). I just felt really guilty about everything, and it was just a steamroll. Everything shitty in my life (and theres a lot) came up and I went nuts. Like...nuts. Trevor tried to talk to me and calm me down, but it wasnt working. I got some really bad ideas in my head and they wouldnt get out. I came home and hurt myself for the first time in a LONG time. I acutally texted people if they would miss me if I died, and even considered calling 911 to baker-act myself. But I finally passed out at some point I guess and woke up with my eyes practically swollen shut. Didnt go to school b/c I cant get myself to do anything.
A couple of hours ago I was feeling a bit better and decided to make dinner - salad and hot-n-sour soup. Dinner was done, and I gathered the 2 plates and a bottle of water and headed to the couch. Well, the bottle slipped, causing HOT soup to get on me, and I dropped EVERYTHING. Giant mess on the carpet.
And I went nuts again. Like....hysterical. It sounds so dumb...its just a giant mess. But its such a fucking metaphor for my life. Ive been finding things to hurt myself with ever since. Hit myself all over with a hair brush - rubbed the bristles on my arms till I bled a little, pressing on the soup burn on my hand, hitting my head on a wall and hitting it, ends of a tweezer to scratch my legs...anything that brings pain. I tried cleaning up after myself, but it just makes me cry more and feel worse. So here I am, writing shit no one will read, because I have no one I can talk to about this without annoying someone, feeling worse about it because I feel like a burden..a number of things. And I dont think many people would really do something to help (come over, listen, etc). I got a few texts back about last night, but only TWO actually did more than just answer the question with a yes or no. ONE asked me what was wrong, if I was ok, and checked up on me in the morning. Its nice to have the one, but...losing faith in many of my other "friends." I just...want my life to not suck and for me to not hate every single day...Im sick of TRYING to be and happy. I dont even know what happy feels like I dont think. Things always start to look better then the proverbial soup falls and fucks everything up.
And everyone is sick of my making messes Im sure. Well, so am I.
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5 Messages  Zoom In On The Answering Machine
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| Tagged By Amanda! |
[29 Oct 2008|05:32pm] |
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Professor talking. |
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A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
B) Tag 4 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.
01. What's the last TV show you saw?
Um...Sex with Mom and Dad (Mmmm Dr. Drew!)
02. What are you wearing at the moment?
Jeans, black tshirt, red Hurley hoody.
03. What was the best part of your day?
It will be when I get out of class.
04. What is your favorite scent?
Cinnamon!!
05. What is your favorite drink?
Non-alcoholic: water.
Alcoholic: Its so hard...I like so much. Probably Margaritas or Bloody Marys. Captain and Coke is a close 2nd
06. What do you drink the most?
Water and coffee
07. What is your favorite restaurant?
P.F. Changs in Tampa. I wish there was one here!
08. What will you be doing after finishing this?
Finishing class...walking home and cleaning/studying/decorating
09. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Sex therapist...still on my way.
10. Your favorite romantic movie?
I hate romantic movies.
11. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Shes a great person! Wish I could see her more!
12. What are you afraid of?
Dying alone. Never being loved.
13. What's your favorite item of clothing?
My Hurley jacket...though its getting pretty beat up.
14. What time do you usually go to bed?
I dont have a general time.
15. What's the meaning behind your LJ username/name/nicknames you go by?
Nickname from highschool...
I am tagging... Zoe, Sam, Josh, Marissa
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2 Messages Zoom In On The Answering Machine
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[30 Jul 2008|03:30pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed the fuck out |
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"Through the Iris" - 10 Years |
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A lot has happened...But none of it super exciting. Have a job, have an apartment.
However, I am SO fucked. Money and school is NOT going well. My job doesnt pay enough, I dont know where my money goes, I feel like a whale, my grades have been slowly going downhill, and I might not pass a class for the first time. Im not sure how that works....how i retake it and whatnot.
I dont know what to do. I thought Id be good at life...and i kinda was. But Ive been learning that Im not. I have a strong desire to just become a flight attendant or something and just screw it. I need these next few weeks/months to be encouraging or else I might lose it.
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2 Messages Zoom In On The Answering Machine
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| Stuck! |
[06 Apr 2008|05:33pm] |
I have to come up with a persuasive speech and I am COMPLETELY stumped. I dont want to do the requisite "make abortiona legal" "EVERYONE should be allowed to be legally married" "end the war" speeches...I want something different and "me."
Except...I have no idea. Any help between now and like midnight tonight would be fabulous.
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| Being this antisocial cant be good. |
[23 Aug 2007|07:14pm] |
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 bored |
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CSI on Spike |
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This past week Ive pretty much done NOTHING. Aside from work, I lock myself in my room and sleep or watch TV (usually CSI). I dont mind it, but Im starting to get really lethargic. I dont have much food at home, and yesterday I chose not eating over going and getting something. I finally ate today when I left my psychiatrist appointment. Ineed to go to walgreens now too, and I really really dont feel like it.
Thought about having som fun last night since i had today off, but there was nothing to do, and noone to do it with. I work tomorrow at 6am, so theres nothing to do tonight. I have sat. off, so hopefully I can have SOME fun tomorrow night.
Life blows. I need my NutriSystem stuff to get here (Apparently its been delivered, according to the tracking #, but my apartment complex has decided to NOT send me any mail telling me so, and i cant pick up the package without that fucking slip of paper), and school to start so i can get GOING with life.
I consider myself a social person, but I think im liking being alone more and more. I love going shopping/going to movies/eating out all by myself. I think its b/c I work jobs where I have to deal with tons of people, and when I have off time I just want to be alone. This also explains my intense desire to live alone. I hope Im not setting myself up for a life of loneliness/depression...
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| I shouldnt be thinking about this so much... |
[13 Jun 2007|02:08am] |
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"La Tortura" - Shakira |
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...but I cant help it. I had a conversation with someone thats really grinding on me. Does being really drunk REALLY mean youll tell the truth? If someone feels so guilty about things and what happened, why wouldnt they try to do something about it? Should i take any on this seriously? Im not going to let this happen to me again.
How, after so much time, can someone still have so much control/effect over you? Its not fair. :-(
Back to studying and whatnot. *sigh* Too bad I cant stop thinking about this and focus on my work.
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2 Messages Zoom In On The Answering Machine
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| Other career options? |
[09 Jun 2007|12:30am] |
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mood |
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bored |
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The more I watch this weird show on HBO about that bunny ranch or whatever...The more I think Itd be very satisfying and interesting to run a brothel. A LEGITIMATE, tested brothel...with maybe some education added in. While I believe in relationships and I dont condone sex outside of a relationship...what better way to fulfill fantasies for a person...
Sometimes I even think it would be kinda fun to be one of those girls. They dont get the real skeezy guys (im sure they get some, but nothing like walking the streets), and the idea of helping people in some form or another is fascinating to me. What better feeling than to know that youre someone's fantasy? I think its so cool. I want to be a sex therapist...and its not THAT much more different. If there was a way I could run a brothel, have a private practice, teach sex ed AND have my own tv/radio show...Id do it. I want it all.
Well, thats my random thought for the night.
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1 Message Zoom In On The Answering Machine
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| I HATE asking for help. |
[08 Jun 2007|04:23am] |
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 I feel like a failure |
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nothing |
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I just had to swallow my pride and ASK my mom for money. I have NEVER done that since I started college...and I made it a point not to. Yeah, she gave me money, but I never ASKED for it. I just had to email her because I realized I wont be able to make all my bills. Im like $50 short. I forgot that I had to refill my prescriptions, and thats about $70+, and the electric bill was higher than normal. And since Im only working 3 days a week at Bdubs (and tips arent good), I have about $20 to my name, with $80 worth of bills I still have to pay.
This may sound super lame, but Im CRYING...because I feel like a failure. I wasnt able to manage my money like I say I can....and Im admitting failure. Ive cut it close before, but never like this. So not only can I not succeed in school, I cant balance my money correctly.
I cant wait to start my 2nd job. All ill be doing this summer is working. I plan on it.
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3 Messages Zoom In On The Answering Machine
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| Tips for the Ladies. |
[04 Jun 2007|08:11pm] |
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 cheerful |
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CSI |
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So, my last post was about the lovely UTI I managed to get. I decided to NOT go the antibiotic route, and let me tell you....FASTEST recovery Ive ever had!
So for anyone here that has ever had a UTI and might get one again...wait a day or two before going to the Dr, unless your kidneys REALLY hurt, or theres a lot of blood. Do these things instead:
> Drink a LOT of sugar-free cranberry juice (I drank cran-pomagranate, because I dont like cranberry juice, but it was 100% juice)
> Take Cranberry pills ON TOP of that (2 a couple of times a day)
> Lots of H2O, try to eat normally
> Eat blueberries if you can find them. They have similar properties as cranberries, and theyre tasty when you buy them organic!
> Lay in bed and dont move much.
I DID have these pills i got the last time I had a UTI that makes it so you dont feel like you have to pee all the time (turns the pee a lovely shade of dark reddish orange), so that did help...But other than that...no meds.
Hope this helps anyone...I got rid of a UTI in one day, I think thats pretty awesome. Thought Id share :-D
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3 Messages Zoom In On The Answering Machine
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| Every Time. |
[03 Jun 2007|02:18pm] |
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 icky |
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CSI on Spike |
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It seems like every time i start getting my shit together, something else has to go wrong to set me back.
My glasses broke again (screw Kate Spade and her over-priced shitty quality glasses) This time the other arm (is that what you call them?) broke off. My glasses were closed, and i went to open them and put them on....SNAP. So, I cant see again. And there's a good chance I have a UTI again. Id get into the gross details of the possibilities behind the infection, but the truth is i dont pee enough. I drink TONS of water, and hardly ever pee. Sooo....yeah. Hopefully tons or cranberry juice, cran pills, h20 and those lovely pills i got the last time I had a UTI to make me stop feeling like i have to pee, and all will be well.
Grahhhhh. Theres so much i wanted to do today, too. Hopefully I'll start feeling better and make it to publix for a few food items and juice.
In other news...I think I may quit drinking for a while. Im starting to get worse hangovers and my overly sensitive stomach makes me throw up after only a few drinks, when im not even really drunk. So...there's that. Maybe ill just become a pothead. I dont get hangovers from that, and sleep really well. Its just so expensive in this town. And i dont like it all that much...lol so I guess not. I guess i need to find a new recreational hobby. I dont like drunk people when im sober, so this is gonna kill my social life for a while. hrmmm.
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| 2 in 2 Days... |
[22 May 2007|03:47pm] |
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discouraged |
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none |
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I dont like to write in here this much anymore, but I have no friends in town and Im alone at home...and not going to therapy anymore, I need somewhere to do this. And to imagine that someone is reading this and listening really helps.
I dont know if Im getting depressed again, am stressed, or just giving up...but its getting really hard to live life normally. I cant sleep - Ill be up til 6am, even NyQuil doesnt work, but then when I DO sleep, illtoss and turn all night and not end up waking up till 1 or 2 in the afternoon if i dont have school. Which I know doesnt help my schedule, but i dont know what to do.
On top of my inability to sleep normally, I cant seem to manage to get my work done for school. Im barely skating by, and its really hard. I think that because I worked so hard last semester and still didnt do as well as I wanted to, im internally discouraged. Ive actually been considering other options, which i KNOW is not normal because since i decided in the 4th grade that I wanted to be a psychoogist of some sort, ive NEVER had a "plan B." BUt after doing a speech on Planned Parenthood and the things they do, Ive seriously considered putting my energy into something involving that. But I dont know If ill be taken seriously if I dont have a college degree.
Ive been waiting for college since I was 10 years old, and now 10 years later I cant stand it and cant wait to be done with it. Feeling like shit for everything I do for the next 8 years of my life does NOT sound like fun to me.
I just need something to motivate me. If I had done better last semester I think Id be more motivated, but I only got discouraged. Fuck the Hillsborough county school system for letting me fly through so easily and never learning how to actually work. reason #373495872035 why I hate florida.
Ughhhhh...now I need to get ready to go to work and deal with rude black people for 8 hours. I hate everything right now.
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1 Message Zoom In On The Answering Machine
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| Long Time No See |
[21 May 2007|06:19pm] |
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 distracted |
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"Victim Convenience" - The Faint |
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Having the apartment to myself is glorious. Too bad Im busy with homework and working 2-3 days that i'll be alone. Whatever. I reallllly want to live alone at some point soon. I resigned my lease, but Im hoping for my senior year in college and grad school, Ill get a place by myself.
One day at a time....
I managed to rid my place (well, my stuff) of all junk-type foods and unhealthiness, so Im back on the health-nut bandwagon (as many organics as I can afford, mostly veggies, minimal meats and breads, etc). Im even going to start buying organic coffee (it tastes great, and gives me an even bigger "perk"). Now I need more money to support this. WHY is it so expensive to be healthy? Shitty foods are so much cheaper, but natural foods that are healthier cost so much more. Its frustrating.
My stomach has been on the fritz lately (most likely due to the bad foods ive been eating), but hopefully itll be OK tomorrow so I can start running and working out again. I miss the gym. :-/
I appllied to Starbucks, since theyre hiring. Im hoping they hire me (i have a great track record, was a manager, etc). Then Ill probably work 2 jobs for a while and then choose the lesser of 2 evils. Everyone at SB's is so friendly (i would be too if I were jazzed up on coffee all the time!), and I like that. Im so sick of my job...I need a change. Especially since it seems Ill never be made intoa bartender. I think John's gonna make Kyla a bartender instead. Yeah, shes 23....but Ive been at bdubs 6 months longer than she has, if not longer, ANS shes a full-blown alcoholic. Like, seriously. She is ALWAYS drinking on the job and a lot at that. Im not one to snitch, but its really not fair. Yeah, ive done my share of drinking at work (its a sports bar...it happens) and other things (if youve ever worked food service, youll know that cigarettes arent the only things that most cooks smoke), but nothing compared to Kyla.
Sigh...ramble ramble. I should be doing productive things like cleaning, studying, writing...etc.
One more thing: I bought a corset from Spain a couple of months ago and got it last week. Its a black "vegan leather" (poly-vinyl) corset. It has no front busk clips, so its a bit hard to get on, but I LOVE it!! Finally a REAL corset that doesnt bend or warp. I cant wait to wear it in public. But Im going to start training my waist with cinchers and belts so itll look even better when I wear it out.
On that note...until later, friends.
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[16 Apr 2007|07:41pm] |
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 apathetic |
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CNN |
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I thought once we graduated highschool we got over the whole "oh-im-emo-and-will-shoot-up-the-school" phase. Shooting up 2 dorms over a chick. Way to go. I hope shes alive. Because Im guessing she is/was a shitty person. 33 people are dead because of whatever she did (i know, not really, im sure the guy was a psycho, but still). Also Kudos to the police of that town. I bet they feel great about not dealing witht higns properly, and giving this asian dude 2+ hours to run ACROSS CAMPUS and shoot up another dorm, as well as a classroom. Winners.
Some of the interviews that were done just show the epitome of how selfish some college students are. All the interviewees at one point were really calm (not like the clam you have when youre in shock). It was as if they might as well have asked them "so how did you feel when this statue fell down?" This one girl was like "yeah, i dont know...i was, like, walking to my class, and I heard some shots, but I didnt know where they were coming from, and I dont know, it was like, wierd. *shrug*" ....*shrug*....
Ive been joking inappropriately about this all day, and the way they portray it on TV. Im no more scared than I was after Columbine, after 9/11....eh. Dont get me wrong, I feel bad for the families and the victims - it sucks. But its just too absurd.
Sometimes I wonder if my apathy should be something of concern.
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1 Message Zoom In On The Answering Machine
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| Vince Vaughn is my Future Husband |
[15 Apr 2007|01:18am] |
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ill |
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TV |
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Or not. But It'd be pretty awesome.
Anywho, Im sick. :-(
Started out as allergies, but Im pretty sure it turned intoa sinus infection, because I had a fever last night. + the post-nasal grossness = sore throat/cough fantastic funtimes. Its about NyQuil time in a few.
I miss my cat!!!! He has to stay in Tamoa b/c we are currently dealing with a mold problem in my place (too long to get into), and chances are management is going to be in and out of here...no sense in getting caught.
Anywho...I need to be better tomorrow so I can do productive things and get ready for the coming week. Time for that NyQuil and a granola bar (so it doesnt hurt my stomach)!
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[07 Apr 2007|12:49am] |
It would be so amazing if my pant size and ear guage were the same: an 8. So far only my ear is that number.
I think I'll make that a goal.
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| All is so Unclear... |
[03 Apr 2007|10:02pm] |
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mood |
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 distracted |
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music |
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"Caring is Creepy" - The Shins |
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I feel like my brain has been turned into a pile of mush sometimes. When I try to write in here, when I try to write emails, talk to people, write papers, do ANYTHING...it just doesnt work right. Even now this is taking way more effort that it should. :-(
Im at the library - fewer distractions. its not helping much, considering here i am on the internet, but whatev. at least theres no TV or my bed. The internet is in and out here...at a library with wireless access. Great.
I have to read a really boring book and write a paper on it. *sigh* i hate school and cant wait to be done with this semester. Im actually doing really well, copmared to my previous semesters here but...muh. I cant take much more.
I am sooooo poor right now. I have no money for rent...but i will soon once my checks go through. then how Im going to survive the rest of the semester...im not sure. credit cards and a few bucks from my mom i guess.
Speaking of which, she sent me a cute package for easter. Some ferrero Rochet chocolates (mmmm), and a cute rabbit. Then, i read her card. She sent me EXACTLY the same card I was going to send her. Talk about wierd. I called her and told her and she laughed about how wierd that was.
I MIIIIGHT go home. Since i dont have to work, i have no excuse. So depending on what I have for next week, i may go home for fri-sunday. i dont know yet.
Ok...time to read. Or at least attempt to.
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| Ughhhhhhhhh |
[23 Feb 2007|02:03am] |
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 nauseated |
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music |
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Animal Planet |
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My stomach STILL hurts. Really bad. Im drinking digestive-aid tea, and have been eating handfuls of cereal and some peanut butter. A little bit of protien and bland foods are what I was recommended. Its all I can handle. Sometimes I wish I could throw up...maybe id feel better. But I refuse to make myself.
I dont know what to do. I want to cry. Im so uncomfortable. I was finally able to sleep laying down for a while, and I thought I was getting better. Not i hurt and i have a headache.
Life is great. I just need to get through the next week or so...and hopefully Ill be OK.
Is it spring break yet??
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| On top of it all. |
[11 Feb 2007|11:21pm] |
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 irritated |
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Why do people lie to the people that care about them most?
Leading them on and then saying that the people who are telling them the truth so as to help everyone involved are the ones lying is unfair and i think is pretty fucking shitty.
I hate lies...i hate people that are dramatic and dont know how to keep things in confidence. I hate that I try to help everyone. I hate drama, and its worse when i accidentally add to it.
Tell the truth, even if it hurts the other person. Letting them live and have hope off a lie is really mean and unfair to them.
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1 Message Zoom In On The Answering Machine
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| Running Towards Sanity |
[07 Feb 2007|01:54am] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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music |
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Food Network |
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I"m back into running and working out after a week-and-a-half hiatus. Up to 4 miles running...Im pretty proud of myself. But its on the elliptical, so Im sure running on solid group or a treadmill may kill me. Working out is the only thing that really clears my head. If I wasnt so tired, Id want to go again today (I went before work). With my "no fried foods and no red meats, except on saturdays" diet, working out and walking around campus, im down about 8lbs. Though I cant REALLY tell, I feel better.
But, instead of going running, I just ate a slice of pizza and am finishing a Long Island Iced Iea that Dan made me at work (nursing it is more like it, though. Its all well liquors, so it kinda sucks), and watching "Good Eats" on TV. I have to do a journal thing for my Latin American History class then get ready for bed, since i have a long day ahead of me.
In other news....THE COLTS WON THE SUPERBOWL!! Now no one at work can make fun of me for being a Colts/Peyton Manning fan. So there.
I have so much to do...I wish it wasnt so hard for me to focus and get things done.
Time for a piece of chocolate, some latin american history, then bed!
Word, homies.
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